It's hard to write this. Harder than other stuff. I feel a responsibility to someone else this time. A responsibility to a girl at that. It's the hardest love letter I've ever written, because others will see it. Others will read it.

I'm dying to start it, but I am afraid of it. The other things I've had brewing in my head have been completely pushed aside now that I can write this - but I'm still dragging my feet. Not because I don't know what to write but because I don't know how.

I have a secret.
I only pretend to be positive so that other people don't worry about me.
But I'm tired of pretending that I'm optimistic. I'm tired of putting on a smile and saying "It'll be okay." or "It just takes time." or "Something will come around."

I just want to give up. But I can't. Because I still want these things.

Maybe I'm not pretending after all.
Sometimes it sure as hell feels like it.