I'm learning it's kind of an adjustment to go from having a serious two-year, see eachother almost every day, relationship back to a more casual one.

I'm not complaining really. It's different. Not 'bad' - different.
Actually, it's pretty good.


I'm meeting her mom on Saturday. Dun dun dun...!

I am getting really, really, tired of this shit.

So then, it's official. Emmalee and I are "going out".

Or "dating".

Or "exclusive."

Perhaps I should just say this - she's my girlfriend, and I'm her boyfriend. And I'm happy.

It's weird though. I hate this arrangement - being in Aurora still. I want to be back in Chicago. I want to see Emmalee more than twice a week. I want to see David more than 4 hours a week. As soon as I get back here I begin counting the days that I can go back to Chicago. Back when I had no friends and nothing to do, I had all the time in the world in Chicago. Now that I have some great friends, a great girlfriend and a lot to do in Chicago - I'm here, counting day by day till Friday comes.

At least my closest friend, Irony, is still with me.


Peter Jennings died tonight. The message came on the telly when I walked in the door tonight after work. And I have to say this - that really sucks. Peter Jennings was my favorite news reporter. I remember watching his marathon broadcast during the whole September 11th happenings and waiting for him to just fall asleep midway through a sentence after being on the air for what, 48hrs straight? I didn't know him personally so I have no idea what kind of human he was, but I'll miss his face on the news. Godspeed.

Someone I know and care about a lot wrote this, and I think it's beautiful. So much so, I wanted to share it with anyone who reads this blog:

i cant believe this is my life. otherwise i might get really depressed. sometimes you wake and embrace the sun. other times you wake up eat a bunch of pills and become amazed at the fact that you didnt die. other times you wake up and wish you did.

at the end of the night when the drinks are are empty and the bags empty too, you wonder why did i ever get into this shit. and then you know. and you new from the get go. that you'll never get past it, that it will never be behind you. that this is your life, drunk and depressed.

I know you can get past it.
I just wish you'd let me help.



I spent the night at Emmy's place last night. I met more of her friends, including her best friend/roommate. The awkwardness of meeting a new girlfriend's friends never ceases to amaze me. And it's not even a matter of disliking them, or whatever. It's a matter of being the one with no background for them to relate to. No common interests apparent. It's being the one sitting there watching while everyone else compares tattoos, and having none of my own to show off. But that's how things have always been. Maybe that's why Perks of Being a Wallflower struck such a chord in me. Sean once told me that I should write a book about the highschool life, because I was the one who knew everything; because I was the one who was always watching things happen.

I don't really care about what Emmy's friends think of me. I mean, I hope they liked me - but if they didn't, it doesn't bother me. Maybe it's because my friends' opinions on my relationships have never meant anything to me. Doug told me a while ago how other people's opinions determine, to a large degree, what he thinks of people - specifically, romantic interests. But that has never mattered to me. My decision on who I like, who I hang out with, I drink with, who I share a cigarette with, who I make love to - it's all my decision. And no one's opinion has ever mattered to me on those levels. I'd take their thoughts into consideration, but at the end of the day if my friends didn't like my girlfriend and I did, it wouldn't change anything. Anything.

David's video cam is giving weird error messages and once again I am without a video camera. I need a new one, that's all there is to it. This sucks. I feel a little empty without having a camera waiting for me to come put it to use. My DCR-TRV120 was a brilliant little camera that I will always save. It's served me through otaku no radio, through all my radio shows, and all my video shorts. Not to mention several years of anime central. It's seen so much of my life - good times, bad times, experiments, successes and failures. On some of the tapes it shot I'm still a fat, poorly dressed, high school dork. That makes me nostalgic for some reason. At that time I know I was happy. Now I don't really know.

I wish it could perform for me one more time before it has to retire. Although, to be honest, with Aristotle as its last film under its belt - I couldn't have asked for a better final act from it. Thank you.

So much is changing, different, and gone - that sometimes I start to feel claustrophobic, and it's effecting other aspects of my life that I don't want it to. Maybe I'm sabotaging the future for fear of losing, or at least letting go, of the past. But I don't want to be afraid.

I really like this girl.

Now if only I knew if we were "dating" or "going out". Or the significance of either. Which brings up a conversation from work last night. I asked Marisa and Sam about when "dating" becomes "going out" - and we couldn't even agree on the meaning of both. As I understood it, "dating" was a relation with zero obligations. No monogamy and whatnot. Just someone you 'go on dates' with. Then, sometimes dating can evolve into "going out" - which is a serious relationship. Exclusive.

Marisa felt otherwise, and said it was the reverese. Sam said I was right.

Doug didn't know or care.

So I asked Randy, the seasoned boss. And he said they meant the same thing, and that "going steady" was exclusive and more serious. To which I replied, "Randy, no one says 'going steady' anymore."

So what the fuck is the deal?