I'm in a hateful mood.

I hate how everyone and their goddamn mother, literally, is wearing a fucking fake Burberry scarf this winter. I've never seen as many people flaunting Burberry or Burberry lookalikes as much as I have these last 6 months. I blame rap music.

I hate Metrosexuals.

I hate that I missed Gary's Christmas Story on Roe & Gary, that I've listened to every Christmas the last 6 years because I got into a fight with my mom on the phone.

I hate that this Christmas is going to be so FUCKING shitty.

Lets see.. in no particular order:
I hate my school.
I hate that I hate my school.
I hate SUVs. Sean is talking about getting an SUV to replace his Audi. I ralked him into the Audi last time we were talking, and steered him away from the SUVs. Maybe I can do that again. One less fucking SUV on the road is a god send.
I hate my cell phone.
I hate the way homeless people manipulate you into feel guilty for not giving them money.
I hate StreetWise.
I hate people who walk around with smiles on.
I hate cars that almost hit me while I'm at the crosswalk and crossing with the light.
I hate Counter Strike but am so stubborn and intent on getting "good" at it that I won't quit until I am getting first ranks.

I hate hating everything!

Arghhh!

Why am I always so pissed off and bitter and depressed now?! I thought that Xmas break would be good, but it's already started off bad. Mom was supposed to come visit me tomorrow but we fought over my cell phone bill tonight and now she's probably not coming.

Maybe I won't go home for Christmas.
- posted by Brendan @ 7:43 PM 0 comments

 
More pity, please?
I hate Christmas.

I really do.

No, it's not a post-modern hipster Scrooge-chic mentality. It's a real hatred of Christmas that's been building for about 4 years now. It's the shopping, the lines, the ultra cold weather combatted with the ultra hot (thanks to 90 degree thermostats and layer upon layers of clothing) stores. It's the idea that there's a reason to put oneself through the ups and downs of the season. The illusion of a reward at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it's getting the presents for some, or the look on others faces when they open their's.

But it's all bullshit. Your kids know what they're getting. They've gone through your closet weeks ago cataloging their spoils- so you can forget about the wonder and surprise on their faces. No, what you'll be seeing is a facade. That wonder and surprise was reserved for the interior of the dark closet you hid their gifts in. I can't believe how gleefully children ruin Christmas for themselves. How they are so impatient and selfish that they'll go through their parents' room looking for what they got for their greedy little asses.

But even if you manage to keep your gifts to your kids, or significant other, or parents, hidden and secret till - oh 6 days before Christmas (this is the 19th? Right? Yes.) They can still easily snatch that delight from you.

I bought Sarah a bottle of Tommy Hilfiger "Tommy Girl" perfume because it was the scent that was on the collar of my jacket when I came home, when we'd first met. It was the smell I thought of as "Sarah" for the first months we were dating. It still is. Then she ran out and never bought a new one, though mentioning several times during summer that she wanted some more. So for Christmas I picked up a nice $50 bottle to last her a while. This was weeks ago. 5 minutes ago, on the phone we had this conversation:

Brendan: So what are you doing today?
Sarah: I dunno - I need to pick up my check from work and my bonus.
Brendan: Oh?
Sarah: Yeah.. I kinda want to buy some Tommy perfume today too.
Brendan: ....
Sarah: What?
Brendan: Why?
Sarah: Because I haven't had it in a while.
Brendan: Oh...
Sarah: Why? Shouldn't I?
Brendan: Well...
Sarah: Oh..
Brendan: Don't.
Sarah: Why not?
Brendan: Isn't it blatantly obvious?
Sarah: Well I don't know what kind you got..
Brendan: Gee - what kind would I get?
Sarah: Tommy Girl.
Brendan: There you go.


I am so fucking pissed off.

Christmas blows. Try to do something nice, something meaningful and you can bet your ass you'll get fucked over in the end. It never fails. Christmas is nothing more than a prelude to disapointment and resentment. That's all it ever has been, but people ignore that every year because they keep holding on to the "idea" of Christmas. That maybe this year will be differernt.

That's what I do.

Every year.

And it never is.
- posted by Brendan @ 2:30 PM 0 comments

 
It's better if you don't know
Great skill in Counter Strike continues to elude me. And, near as I can tell, the game is riddled with "hackers" or "h@x0rz" (ie: cheaters, but as part of my new CS persona I've decided I need to learn the lingo.) I thought that the ability to shoot through walls, though realisitic, seemed somewhat unfair (especially since in Half-Life, the game it was modded from, doesn't allow this...) but it wasn't until I heard the bitter complaining, via the wonderful voice chat function, that I realized it was indeed against the rules.

That and the dude that seemed to only get head shots make playing depressing. The use of cheats in multiplayer seems to.. pointless to me.

Oh well.

I'm really bummed about not being able to do a SR episode lately. It really cannot be helped, but I *really* want to get SR going to its full potential. I listened to the last eps of OnR tonight to pluck the Grave of the Fireflies review for Interlude #2 to use to cover the gap of a real episode, and it was really depressing. Not because of the episode, but because of all the things that have changed since that was recorded. And I'm not talking about Alex.

So there was the big meeting between Sarah and two of my [female] friends, Karen and Katie. I suppose it went okay, except that they didn't actually, you know, talk to each other much. Which mildly annoyed me because Sarah expects me to be close to her friends, but she gets immediately shy and quiet as soon as she's around mine.

This is why I hate mixing the group. -_-;

I suspect I was paid a compliment today in Development & Pre-Production, but I'm not entirely certain. The teacher handed back our story treatments and when she gave me mine she said, "I want to talk to you about these so you don't misunderstand what I wrote about them... They're really cool, but I want you to master the narrative form before you move on to doing this kind of surreal stuff. I mean, they're really visual and really deep - but you need to work on something simpler. Do something more basic before you go Picasso."

?

So.. I take it I'm doing the right thing, but at the wrong time?

WTF?

This is what's frustrating about film school - and indeed all art school, as far as I can tell (thinking back to my limited photography and painting (ugh) background). The whole "you must learn the rules before you can break them" mentality. Art rules are subjective - and so you can't really "break" them, only establish your own.

IMHO.

Today I spent some time with Sean - a guy I knew in highschool who lives back in Chicago after going to New Orleans for school the past 2 years. Now he's in school here.

He hasn't changed. Not one bit. Which is cool, because in a way it ensured we could get back into friendship, after not talking for 3 years, without skipping a beat. I also got a free Diesel sweatshirt and a DKNY sweater out of it. Well, I shouldn't say free. I agreed to help him sell his mom's old designer purses (including a $2000 Tod's... wow...) on eBay. So I guess I gotta "work" for the goods, but still..

Goddamn.. it's almost 4 fucking AM. Why am I still up?
- posted by Brendan @ 3:54 AM 0 comments

 
So many headshots...
I cannot wait for this week to end. Christmas break is only 3 days away and, my god, I'm ready for it. I'm also ready for next semester and being done with these fucking classes.

I've taken up Counter Strike now that I have a DSL connection and can play at a sane ping. I've only been playing for a couple days - but it's very frustrating. Being a newbie sucks. But I'm starting to get good enough to, you know, actually kill other players. My only previous online gaming experience was Quake Deathmatch - so it's quite an adjustment to get into the more team based, sophisticated, anti-run & gun, gameplay. But it is addicting.. in a weird, depressing way.

24 continues to kick ass, and season 3 is better than season 2.
- posted by Brendan @ 11:47 PM 0 comments