The worth of it all
Your guess is as good as mine.


I feel like I'm back at Marmion.. that trapped, suffocating, feeling.

Nothing, nothing, has been going good for me lately and so I've taken to wallowing in self-pity. I wanted to slap myself while I was talking to Karen and Sarah last night cuz all I did was rant and complain was a whiney bitch, but I couldn't. Now I'm ranting and complaining to Finiak like a whiney bitch. But I can't stop.

Doesn't bode well for this weekend.

When did I become this person? Again?

I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my girlfriend. I miss the summer. I miss being fucking happy. Where did all that go? Looking around me, I should be thrilled. But I'm not. I'm miserable. I'm lonely. I'm frustrated and embarassed and scared. Goddammit.

And so what do I do? Come bitch and moan and woe-is-me here, for an audience of people I don't know and who really couldn't care less.

Sorry mates.
- posted by Brendan @ 2:26 PM 0 comments

 
A path for none
I resent going to that highschool.. so much.

So fucking much.

Seriously, I'm only know realizing just how much going to that god foresaken hell hole fucked up my social life. Or at least set it back. I was thinking back to how good things were in 8th grade, then as soon as I was a freshmen - bam. Nothing. Goddamn. What I wouldn't give to have that time back - at a different school. Christ. It's so frustrating. Yeah, I met Finiak and Pat out of it - but otherwise it was a total waste of 4 years that I know I would have enjoyed so much more elsewhere. It really, really, depresses me when I consider how much I missed out on. I don't miss high school - I miss the high school I never went to.

Worst part is, my mom knew how miserable I was and how much I hated it all along. And by senior year, by the end, she had finally come to the conclusion that "maybe" I shouldn't have gone there. Well whoop-dee-fucking-doo. Gee, maybe the boy you raised to be kind to everyone, good with kids and gentle to animals and all the other ultra-sensitive shit that makes girls go "Awwww" shouldn't have been sent to a fucking MILITARY school? Whoa. If any parent out there happens to be reading this - please, listen to your kid. Let him or her make up their minds - if they are capable. And know when they are, and when they aren't.

Sarah once made a remark that she was glad I didn't go to public school because public school can make you "cold". That's probably true. But going to a private military school has a way of making you cold, too. Just in a different way.

I'm feeling very cold now.
- posted by Brendan @ 8:06 PM 0 comments

 
Stay the same
My first contribution to an Eva thread in what.. a year?

Odd how easy it is to get sucked back into these things.

I'm also beginning to remember why I stopped posting to AoDVD.
A thread title states "Another Coach bites the dust..." --- my first thought, "Did her purse rip or something?"

I downloaded the .1 updated to Netscape 7.0 - making mine Netscape 7.1 --- now I gotta get used to the new new tab/close tab locations.

DSL is my new god. I have created an alter for it and have commenced sacrificing virgins to it. That I can download a 400mb file in less than an hour is just.. awe inspiring to me. I've downloaded over a gig since Monday night. I've gone crazy with power and my HDD is freaking out. (Just kidding about the god thing... God. Please don't hate me.)

Apparently there were only 2000 pressings of the Lain Lunchboxset made. I'm glad I found that out before I sold mine. Limited Edition is cool.

I went to bed at 11:30am today, and woke up at 1:30pm for class.

Numbers are up for Stray Radio - but emails are down. What gives?

I've decided honesty is the best policy, but only when the lie is hurting someone.

For the film Y Tu Mama Tambien, the director insisted one of the actors wear a prosthetic piece on his penis to make him look circumcised. I guess that Friends episode wasn't really that far-fetched.

I can't wait to have that conversation with one of my actors.

"Umm, yeah. Good job. But.. I'd like you to wear... this..."
- posted by Brendan @ 6:21 PM 0 comments

 
1. Go to www.google.com.

2. Type in "miserable failure"

3. Click on "I'm Feeling Lucky"
- posted by Brendan @ 10:43 PM 0 comments

 
Had this on my desktop for a while.. might as well post it..


1. Given name: Brendan Patrick Jamieson
2. Date that you regularly blow them out (birthday): March 8
3. Nationality: American
4. Astrological Sign: Piesces
5. Relationship Status (Single? Married? Dating?): Dating
6. Height: 5'11"
7. Hair Colour/Length: Dark brown with redish highlights - longer/medium length
8. Eye Colour: dark brown
9. Ethnic Descent: Irish, Japanese, Hungarian, French
10. At what time were you born? I don't know
11. How long was your mother in labour? I have no idea...
12. Are your parents divorced? Yes
13. Are you in school/working? School
14. Father's name/occupation: Bruce - not sure what he's up to..
15. Mother's name/occupation: Lenore - elementary school teacher
16. Siblings (include their ages): None
17. Pets (include animal type and breed): Cat - Moose (stupid name, we didn't name him) - umm "standard model"
18. Living Situation (Alone? With Parents? How much is your rent?): College apartment
19. Complexion (Fair, Medium, Dark)? Umm.. medium. I tan fairly well, but I don't actively tan.
20. Do/did you suffer from Acne? (if so, what treatments have worked?): Nothing too bad, some zits on my forehead from time to time (especially when I'm stressed) but they go away in a day or two.

FAVOURITES

21. Favourite Films (list a minimum of 3): In the Bedroom, The Pillow Book, The End of Evangelion, 2001, Magnolia, Grave of the Fireflies, Irreversible
22. Favourite T.V shows (list at least 3): 24, Twin Peaks, South Park, The Simpsons, Sex and the City (so help me!), Nip & Tuck, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
23. Favourite Drinks (list at least 3): Iced Tea, tre limone, coca-cola classic, crystal lite peach iced tea
24. Favourite Ethnic Food (Don't just put down "Chinese".. what specifically..): I have soft spots for Japanese udon noodles and sushi/sashimi, Chinese mongolian beef and Mexican enchiladas.
25. Favourite Snack Items (list 3): hidden valley ranch dressing, cereal, ritz crackers, mixed nuts, Cheez-Its
26. Favourite Books: "Whatever Happened to Justice?", "1984", "To Kill a Mockingbird"
27. Favourite Musical Artist(s): Aimee Mann, Sarah McLachlan, Bjork, Peter Gabriel, Tupac Shakur, Eminem, Bone, Menthol... et al.
28. Favourite Drawing Medium (ie. Pencil, Pastels, Conte, Charcoal): Pencil and paper..
29. Favourite Cereals (list 2): Special K w/ Red Berries, Multi-Grain Cheerios and Honey Nut Cheerios.

YOUR WEEKDAY

30. Early Morning Rituals (list 3 ie. cartoons that you watch, bathroom routines): Umm, shower and brush my teeth are about the only rituals I follow. Everything else is random, including breakfast.
31. Are you often rushed? (if so, why? ie. sleeping in): Sometimes... not especially though. I do procrastinate with everything, though.
32. What stresses you out? (ie. deadlines, parents): People stress me out.
33. Do you get dressed before or after breakfast? After
34. Name your means of transportation? Used to be car, now it's mostly the L and the train.
35. Have you a license? Yes.
36. What does your typical lunch consist of? Umm.. usually some sort of sandwhich (ham?) and some sort of crunchy thing (chips, pretzels?). Or cereal.
37. Where do you eat it? Kitchen or my room, unless I'm eating out.. then obviously..
38. Early Evening Rituals (list 3): Eh?
39. What is your regular bedtime? (estimate): Lately 4am - I'm nocturnal
40. Do you eat dinner as a family? Rarely
41. What is your typical dinner? That's way too random to even begin to think about.
42. Are you household chore enabled? (ie. can you sew, cook, do your laundry?) I can do the laundry. :P
43. How often does your room get cleaned? (thoroughly): Whever I need to do it (ie: when someone may see it besides my immediate family)

YOUR ROOM/POSESSIONS

44. Describe the decor (is it trendy? expensive? modern? teeny bopper?): My apartment decor is a red/black/white color scheme with asian flares. Sophisticated design.
45. Do you hide things underneath your mattress? Only magazines (no, not those magazines)
46. Do people invade your personal space? Not as far as I know..
47. Are you a pack rat? (if so, list some of the strangest things that you've kept?): Yes.
48. List three of your favorite shops: Suncoast Video, Banana Republic, Best Buy, Express, Borders Books... eBay
49. What determines your purchases (popularity? quality? price? all of the above?): Umm, my personal taste carries the most weight. Price/quality follows.

ADOLESCENCE - THAT TIME FROM AGE 3-12

50. Favorite Childhood Foods: McDonalds(?)
51. Favorite Childhood Books: Maniac MacGee, James and the Giant Peach
52. Favorite Childhood Shows: He-Man
53. Favorite Childhood Toys: toy guns. Seriously.
54. Favorite Childhood Animal: Eh.. cat.
55. Favorite Childhood Color: Eh... black.
56. What was your dress style like? LOL... I rather not get into that.
57. Worst trends you succumbed to (list 2): Baggy clothes. Ahhhhh!!! and, um.. slap bracelets? Ahhhhh!
58. First word (ask your parents if you don't know): "Momma" I assume.
59. Did you go to summer camp? Were you in any clubs? Went to some week-long summer camps, nothing that ran the whole summer.
60. What was your social standing? I was the guy everyone liked, but was never part of any real clique per se.
61. If you could go back in time, what would you change about your childhood? Nothing...

THE TEEN YEARS - THAT TIME FROM 13-19yrs

62. Do you see yourself as "troublesome"? Not at all. If/when I have kid, as egotistical as this sounds, I hope they are like me. ^_^;;
63. How have you evolved in the last couple of years? I suppose I'm more social now than I was in the "teen" years.
64. List some major milestones of this time? Moving out of home.
65. Any Piercings? Tattoos? If so, where and what of? I have a small silver hoop in my left ear. Tattoo.. probaly won't happen. Unless it's my children's names.
66. Did it hurt as much as you had anticipated? (piercings, tattoos, for girls; loss of virginity): No. It rarely does.
67. Do you smoke, drink, do drugs? I used to be something of a social smoker because at Denny's, at 4am over a cup of coffee and with some mates - cigarettes and coffee just 'go' together. But outside of a pack of cloves once in a while, no - I don't smoke. I'll have a drink at a party or such but I strongly dislike being drunk. As far as drugs go, I have a steady diet of heroine, speed, X and pot. But only to take the edge off.

TABOO STUFF

68. Do you struggle with self-esteem? Heh, depends on what's going on.
69. Girls; When was your first period? (How old were you) 12.. er.. damn.
Guys; Do you respect femininity and all that it entails (menstruation, childbirth, Estrogen)? Yes, especially since I know the cycles of several of my female friends - which seems like it should be vaguely disturbing.
70. Girls; if you unexpectedly got pregnant, what would you do? (ie. abortion, adoption, parenthood) n/a
Guys; If you're girlfriend got pregnant, how would your react? (Happy but Scared? Supportive? Or would you leave her to raise the child by herself?) I'd be very scared.
71. Future Daughters' Name/Sons' Name: Son? I dunno yet. Daughter: Kaegan, Akemi or Hailey
72. Are you pro-choice? if so/not, why? Ehh... yes and no. (<- cop out)
73. Are you homophobic (anti-gay)? No.
74. Have you experimented with members of the same sex? Pat kissed me!!! Stefin held my hand!!! Ahhh!
75. How many sexual partners have you had? Gotta keep some mystery..

INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

S.O = Signicant Other
76. What are the 3 most important traits that you seek in a friend/S.O? Smart, funny, easy going
77. Have you been engaged/married? No
78. Who knows you better, your friends or boyfriend/girlfriend? They all know different things about me.. they'd probably only have a complete image of me if they compared notes (which is why I don't let them meet eachother.. muwahaha)
79. What has been your longest friendship/relationship? (in terms of months/years) Friendship? Heh.. no idea. Longest relationship, 6 mo (and counting)
80. Are you a gossip? Probably
81. Are you polygamous? No

You're almost there....


THE FUTURE

82. Ideal career?: Film director
83. Ideal Place of Residancy? US, Japan, Switzerland.. maybe New Zealand or Australia.
84. Want kids? how many? 2 kids - one boy, one girl.
85. What are you doing now in order to obtain these goals? 82 = film school. 83 = I live in the US. 84 = Umm.. reading Biology books?
86. Do you think you'll age well (parents are a pretty good indication)? Yes. My family seems to age remarkably well.
87. Are you scared of death? How do you cope with that fear? Yes, I am. Generally ignore its existence.


Ten more to go...

AT RANDOM

88. Own a website? www.evaotaku.com / www.studiokanzen.com
89. Any collections? Many... cels, DVDs, books, figures, comics, etc.
90. Worst fear: death, rejection
91. Are you a pretty good judge of character? (refer to your past track record for an answer): Yes (even when it came to Alex, I knew what I was in for from the get-go)
92. MSN/AIM/YAHOO/ICQ NAME: AIM - brendan083
93. Main source of news (paper, T.V, radio)?: internet and TV
94. Do you keep up with current events? (beyond who Britney Spears is dating): Yes

- posted by Brendan @ 7:08 PM 0 comments

 
Still kicking
Wow - I haven't updated here since Thanksgiving break..

Oops.

For what it's worth, Thanksgiving was pretty smooth this year. Sarah came over and had dinner with me and my family, which at first was scary because I wasn't sure if she would get along well with the rest of my family. She comes from a very different hom environment than mine, so I was slightly concerned things would be too at odds with what she's used to, but thankfully it wasn't like that at all and she had a good time. So that was cool. Later that evening we ended up with Stefin at his boyfriend Colin's house. Thing of note from spending time there was that it was the first time since I fell out with Alex that I played XBox on mulitplayer (Hunter: The Reckoning.. not exactly a great game, but it's alright). Which was kind of strange. To go from playing with Alex, a hardcore gamer, to playing with 3 very casual gamers (I guess I fall in the middle) was funny. I dunno, they seemed to have more 'fun' with it and were less concerned with "winning". After one level (all I played) I ended up with 211 kills, Sarah with 112, Colin with 88 and Stefin with 66. Sarah hugged me and said, "You're so good at killing things!"

Wee!

But anyway... that was over a week ago.

Last week was pretty standard. My only accomplishment was forcing myself to go to History class after 3 1/2 weeks - only to realize why I only show up for tests. Bleh. On Thursday I got up at 8am and walked 3 blocks in the bitter cold to go to Lit class, which was cancelled due to instructor illness. I just wish that the building for that class wasn't so far away. But getting the day off is always cool.

I think I'm starting to become a legitmate anime fan again. Or at least semi-legitmate. This last weekend I've bought 3 anime DVDs after 6 months of abstinence. Millenium Actress, Read or Die and Witch Hunter Robin 1. But the thing that concerned me as I looked over the anime at Suncoast was that 1.) I had indeed seen *a lot* of what they were selling and 2.) what I hadn't seen, I had no real interest in seeing. Aside from those 3 DVDs, there wasn't much that appealed to me (aside from finishing Kare Kano, Vandread and NieA_7). RahXephon gets a lot of praise, but I hate the mecha design... that was my issue with Giant Robo... the design work just pissed me off (why the fuck did Giant Robo look like a pharoah?!) to the point that I couldn't take it seriously. The "look" of anime (just like the look of film) mean a lot me.

But, hey - it's a start. And it's probably (hell, it will) affect Stray Radio. Moreover, now that Pat has a job again, he says he'll be buying more anime again. It looks like SR will be starting to lean into anime territory more than it has before. Hope that trurns out to be a good thing.

Lately I've been craving a honeydew boba fruit freeze. Maybe I'll head into Chinatown tomorrow for a bit. Unless my DSL package finally arrives. Christ - okay - I ordered in on November 9th and they stated I'd be up and running by the 19th.

December 8th and no DSL.

I called a few days ago to see what was up and it turns out that whomever took my order forgot to put in an order for my hardware, which is why I haven't gotten it yet - only the installation software CD. They apologized a lot, and then said I'd get it in 3-5 days. Which means 5-6 days. So Monday should be it. Should be it.
- posted by Brendan @ 4:11 AM 0 comments