This is the last post to my blog I'm going to make from my bedroom, in my home - my home - before I'm in my apartment. My last post, before I move out. Next time I write something here, I'll be sitting, alone, in my apartment. My new home.

I should make this significant then, no?

So how do I feel?

Scared. I've never been afraid of being lonely, but I slightly am now. I'll miss the faces, and voices, that greeted me as I came home from classes. The people who pretended not to stay up for me when I was out late at night, into early AM, but really were counting the minutes till I returned safely. I'll miss my family profoundly.

And my friends? Well, honestly I don't see my "friend" friends much anyway. Karen - don't take that the wrong way. You know what I mean. Pat I'll see on the weekends as usual to work on Stray Radio and the film. But hanging out time is vritually non-existant.

And finally, Sarah.
I don't know what this will do to our relationship. To be honest, I'm afraid she will begin to feel that a few times a month is not enough to see eachother. That she needs someone who'll be 15 mins away and able to visit her on a whim. In other words - not me. An ex-boyfriend, who's now just a "friend" called her tonight. And even though I know that she's not cheating on me, it still felt odd and I felt very jealous, in spite of myself. And despite her statements that she doesn't meet many people and she won't meet anyone when I'm away - I don't believe her. I met her, and she's dated a lot more people than I have. She's the type of person who wants to be with someone all the time. Someone who needs someone else. And if I'm not around to be someone else, I fear she may try to find a new one.

And with this impending move, I've also began evaluating school thus far.

I hate it.

I pretended I enjoyed my classes in the beginning. But I hate them now. All of them. No, they're not bad classes - but I am familiar with *everything* we're being taught now. History of film & Aesthetics of Film?Hhad them. Twice. Literature? Had it. History? Had it. Development/Pre-Production? Know it - and hate it. That last class in particular pisses me off. Why should I be forced to develop story ideas in a template they want? As long as I can write, why does it matter what methods I use to remember ideas and archive them. I don't use a journal for every detail - I *hate* keeping a journal. I don't use notecards to archive ideas - I hate that. When I write, I sit down and let things flow. I just *think* and if a memory pops back into my mind it's because it was worth remembering. If it doesn't - then it wasn't.

I hate it. My only hope is that by second semester classes will be better.

Or not my fantasy is for Malaise to be a minor success and get a little attention that leads to investors giving a little money, making a better film, getting attention from mide range distributors (Lion's Gate?) and start making movies on my terms without teachers who know better looking over my shoulder.

Oh, and hating ones' classmates also makes class bad. They're mostly incredibly self-righteous.
But that may be my own self-righteousness speaking.

Well.. now to pack the computer away. Goodbye Mr. Computer. I'll see you in a few days.
- posted by Brendan @ 1:39 AM 0 comments

 
Just a quick reminder... 24, season 3, begins tonight. Muwahaha.
- posted by Brendan @ 1:49 AM 0 comments